I never thought I could like you this much.
I get jealous when other girls right on your wall on facebook.
wth?
I just want to be with you.
And I know it's not going to happen anytime soon...
But I'm just so scared that if it doesn't it never will.
But no, I have to keep hanging out with you, and keep showing you how great it would be if we were together.
I just wish we could be...
And I'm sorry if you're mad.
I really am.

Dude, whatevs.
I'm in college, I'm gonna have fucking FUN.
I'm done with this school-age relationship BS.
This was all of high school.
I'm bored of it.
I like you.
When you can like me, I'll drop anyone else like a hot potato.

Miley Cyrus- Party in the USA

I hopped off the plane at LAX with a dream and my cardigan
Welcome to the land of fame excess and I gotta fit in
Jumped in the cab, here I am for the first time

Look to my right and I see the Hollywood sign
This is all so crazy, everybody seems so famous
My tummy’s turnin’ and I’m feelin’ kinda homesick
Too much pressure and I’m nervous
That’s when the taxi man turned on the radio
And the Jay-Z song was on
And the Jay-Z song was on
And the Jay-Z song was on

So I put my hands up, they’re playin’ my song
The butterflies fly away, I’m noddin’ my head like “Yeah!”
Movin’ my hips like “Yeah!”
Got my hands up, they’re playin’ my song
I know i’m gonna be ok
Yeah! It’s a party in the USA!
Yeah! It’s a party in the USA!

Get to the club in my taxi cab, everybody’s lookin’ at me now
Like “Who’s that chick that’s rockin’ kicks, she’s gotta be from outta town”
So hard with my girls not around me
www.musicloversgroup.com
It’s definitely not a Nashville party ’cause all I see is stilettos
I guess I never got the memo

My tummy’s turnin’ and I’m feelin’ kinda homesick
Too much pressure and I’m nervous
That’s when the DJ dropped my favorite tune
And the Britney song was on
And the Britney song was on
And the Britney song was on

So I put my hands up, they’re playin’ my song
The butterflies fly away, I’m noddin’ my head like “Yeah!”
Movin’ my hips like “Yeah!”
Got my hands up, they’re playin’ my song
I know i’m gonna be ok
Yeah! It’s a party in the USA!
Yeah! It’s a party in the USA!

Feel like hoppin’ on a flight (on a flight)
Back to my hometown tonight (town tonight)
Something stops me everytime (everytime)
The DJ plays my song and I feel alright

So I put my hands up, they’re playin’ my song
The butterflies fly away, I’m noddin’ my head like “Yeah!”
Movin’ my hips like “Yeah!”
Got my hands up, they’re playin’ my song
I know i’m gonna be ok
Yeah! It’s a party in the USA!
Yeah! It’s a party in the USA!

So I put my hands up, they’re playin’ my song
The butterflies fly away, I’m noddin’ my head like “Yeah!”
Movin’ my hips like “Yeah!”
Got my hands up, they’re playin’ my song
I know i’m gonna be ok
Yeah! It’s a party in the USA!
Yeah! It’s a party in the USA!

This song reminds me so much of you.
I just want to dance with you again, I met you to this song.
I like you so much.
I half hope she doesn't forgive you.
I like you so much.
I understand
But it's hard.
Let me in
Please just.. hurry.
I hate waiting when I see you everyday
And you're more and more attractive everyday.
You're so sweet
And so cute
Please
Someday soon

I kinda wish I never met him.
That would have made things so much easier.
I don't know why I even had a relationship with that ass for so long.
I'm done.
Totally done.
Say good bye to me, cuz it's over, and I've moved on to bigger and better things.

like, that figures.
I knew it was happening but there's still that hope, you know?
And the worst is that he wants a relationship but can't
I mean, i totally get it, I was there, but like... really?
ugh
I'm gonna stick it out though. he's great.
I really like him.
I'm just gonna hope he doesn't get back with his ex.

sigh.

i'm just kinda blah right now.
we both really like each other.
this sucks.

i'm just gonna end up being emo again for a while.
he's going to see her in a month.
maybe that'll make him have some closure?
i just hope it doesn't hange his mind about me.
i'd be crushed.

After this whole fiasco over the last few months, I'm suspicious of every guy.

I really like this one, who is going through the same thing I was. I know exactly what he's going through... and we pushed it too far. I should have stopped.

Now I'm suspicious. I want him to be mine but he's not ready and I know that... but I just want him to want to be around me.
I'm pushing too hard, but I don't know what to do.
I have to tell him what I have to tell him, that's for sure.
But... i want to have him now.

I haven't honestly liked anyone since him. And now I do.
But I'm being blocked.
I want to help him.
I want him.
He's amazing.
I want to make him happy again.

But, I'm so suspicious. Is he with other girls? Is that why he doesn't want me? Why isn't he texting me?
I just want to STOP.
It's exhausting.
But I like him so much.

And he says he likes me... he's just not ready.
It's been a whole weekend since I've seen him.
I don't want to see him in Frosh Studies before anywhere else.
I want to give him a huge hug. One of those jumping ones. I've been wanting to for days. I never get the chance, though.
I want to tell him what I think. I haven't gotten the chance for that either.

It's good that he texts me, though, right? Maybe I should initiate sometimes too.
I'm always afraid guys will think I'm pushy, but if I always let them make the move it's like I don't want to talk to them.
I think my confidence has just been destroyed since I used to be the "in the wings" nothing I can do is right for him, girl.

But, enough about how I'm destoryed because of him.
Because you know what?
It's time to rebuild.
I like him, he likes me.
I'llbe the best friend until he's ready.
Nothing good comes easy, right?

I'm still very much in love with who you used to be. I keep finding all these scraps of conversations between us at the beginning. How sweet you were. How caring. How much you loved me. And you remember way back when? When you told me out of the blue, when we weren't even dating, that you loved me. How you would chase me down to tell me everyday. How you would leave me sweet little messages and write me poetry.

Where's my Walter? It kills me to know you burried him somewhere. I don't even care if you want to be with me or not, just please unearth the man you used to be. The sweet, caring man that makes me smile to this day.

That's why I can't get over you, you know. I can't get you out of my dreams because the person who broke up with me isn't the same person who was dieing to tell me he loved me. I can't fully let you go because you aren't yourself. You burried yourself deep inside for some reason. God, what I wouldn't give to help you- what I wouldn't give to get the real you back. Everything would be so much easier if you were you, but you aren't.

I don't want to be with you anymore, but I am in love with your real self. This is so hard, confusing, and frusterating. It kills me to see you destroy yourself, but what can I do if you don't think anyone can help you? You finally cried out to me for help... but then you wouldn't accept it. I don't blame you, it must be hard. But you do need help. I want to see the man I love back. It hurts to see how you used to be- and seeing you now is absolutely horrible. You've gone farther down than I ever thought you would. My only hope is that you stop before it's too late.

Fuck.
I don't know what to do.
I was so happy, and now I'm sobbing and I'm so confused.
I don't know what to do.

=(

So on the bright side, I've finally been able to make a decision.

I will no longer be your call girl. You are destroying your life and I refuse to be a part of it. I've resently realized that you are not who I fell in love with. You were a wonderful guy, and I know that guy is still in there, but you are destroying yourself and I hate who you are now. I miss the caring Wally you were, but I have now faced that that is no longer you, and that has made it so much easier to move on. I still hope your old self will come back, though. I still love the old you.


So why am I nervous? Dawid. I can't stop thinking about him and how I might have ruined something amazing... and now I told you. I'm really nervous for what you'll say. All my feelings for you came back strong. I would love another shot...

I feel so fucking alone. It was fine when he was still a few houses away, I was getting over the whole thing. But now, it's totally different.

I'm still getting over it, I want to get over it so desperately... but he's just gone. He's not here to randomly call me up at night, he's not here to brighten my day with a suprise text... he's not here to hold me in his arms. I know it's over, I accept that it's over, and I want to move on... but I can't. I love him more and more every day and I'm so worried about him. Bringing so little with him on his trek is dangerous... what if something happens to him? I don't want to wake up some morning and find out he's dead. I think that might crush me.

I really do want to get over it. I'm sick of it. I want to be with him more than anything, and I love him to fucking death, but I can't deal with the pain anymore. I liked our arrangement towards the end, though. We'd hang out and talk a lot, actually, and we'd still have those moments just to ourselves. Maybe it was selfish of me to hold on like that, but everything was fixed when we were alone. It was just us and no one else mattered. There were times when it really did seem like he loved me... and I held on to that as much as I could.

I feel so pathetic because I'm so jealous of everyone else who talks to him. It's like, he can talk to them, and like them, but he can't me? What's wrong with me? And I'm jealous of other people's relationships too... this is horrible and I hate it, but I can't help it. I'm completely torn apart and I don't know how to fix it.

Maybe it would be better if I knew why. Why did it end? Why did you decide you didn't love me all of a sudden? I didn't even get a reason! He wanted desperately to be next to me one day, and didn't even want to see me the next. What happened??? I just wish he would grow enough balls to tell me what the hell went wrong. It's hard enough to lose him, it's 10 times worse to have no idea why. To not understand why he can be so sweet to me, and act like he loves me to my face, and tell others that he absolutely can't stand me. It makes no sense.

I've started to realize that he's no longer the guy I fell in love with, not with me anyway. He's turned cold to me, and I really can't imagine why. I fell in love with this perfect gentleman, this guy who was sweet and caring and fun to be around. What happened to him? He's dissapeared from my view.

I so desperately want to be through with him, and I was getting there... but that's when I saw him every other day. Now that he's gone- and he's only been gone for 2 days- I'm absolutely dying. I feel so empty. He took a part of me with him. I thought I was over it, but now I realize that I still fucking love that fool. I want to be through with the crying, the pain, the jealousy... but I can't do it. As hard as i try, as hard as I plead with myself to just let it go, he's always there. He's always on my mind. I think about him all the time. Every thought relates back to him. He's always with me, he's always in my heart. And deep down, I really hope I'm somewhere in his.

I'm still here being the idiot wishing on stars that he'd change his mind. You know how 11:11 is some lucky time for wishes? I wish for him ebery time I catch an 11:11. Part of me is still hoping that he'll come back from his spiritual journey and come to me, saying he changed his mind. I hate, absolutely HATE, that I'm doing this to myself, but it's the only thing that gets me through the waves of depression and loneliness. Whenever I feel empty like this, I'll start crying, and the only way to stop it is to day dream that he comes to me and changes his mind.

How fucking pathetic am I? He's not ever coming back like that. I'm torturing myself, and the worst thing is that it's either I torture myself, or I become destroyed by depression. I'm SOL either way you look at it.

I don't want to be like this. I want to be over him.... but I fucking love him and I can't even bring myself to taking down the pictures of us hanging in my room. I did once, and it drove me crazy. I managed to put it in a spot I don't look at much... but I just can't take it down.

And I do want more than anything for him to come back and want to be with me... but even if he did, half of me sayd to kick him to the fucking curb for everything he's done to me. But I know what I'd say. I'd forgive him, there's no way I couldn't. But he would find out all the ways he hurt me. I couldn't let that go without him knowing.

But it's never gonna happen, anyway. Why do I even try.

And there are like 2 other guys trying to get my attention... both of them extremely cute and nice. Part of me is screaming to go for it, and I will if nothing but to get my mind off him, but I just.... I feel weird about it. It's not right.

I set myself up for this. I do this every time. I'm a pathetic hopeless romantic that thinks everything will go right, who never sees the bad, and who sobs and can't let go when things go wrong. I hate it.


And with tears streaming down my face and an aching heart, I write what I suppose to be my last true letter to you:

I do love you. I always will love you. No matter what you've done to me, the horrible things you've said to me, I love you more and more everyday. I wish you the best of luck on your journey. I'm thinking about you constantly. I hope you're safe, and figuring out the things you need to. Even though I only give you a week, I really and sincerely hope you last longer. You need to be away and just get in touch with your thoughts... you have so many more wise and and intelligent thoughts than anyone I know. You're your own philosopher, and I've always loved that about you. I hope you come home with a fresh mind and a clean slate. I also hope you come home alive, but that's a whole 'nother story. =]
Know that I miss you, sweetie, that I'm thinking about you, wishing you well, and loving you the entire time you're away. I'll be here when you return, and will welcome you with open arms no matter what. I'll always be here, sweetheart. Always.

Why do I love you? Why am I still crazy about you? After everything you've told me, all the tears I've cried for you, all the agony you've thrown at me... I'm still crazy in love with you. I was just kinda suprised you said it outloud yesterday. I knew that's how you felt, and it didn't hurt when you said it. I was just suprised. But I still fucking love you. That's fucked up. Why do I love you? And maybe I'm just blinded and searching for any little ray of hope, but I can't believe it.

I mean, I know you're not lieing to me. I know that you consider that to be true... but I don't see how you can say that, and act the way you do. I think that's the initial plan, how you deal with it. You say it that way, so you can continue to do what you do. But... then why do you flirt with me? If you don't care. Why do you IM me just to ask how I am? Why did you come over after school, just to nap on my couch and put your arm around me? Your house is only 5 blocks from mine, you could have easily kept walking. Why do you cuddle with me? Sit with me and hug me, tickle me, laugh and smile with me if I don't matter at all? It doesn't make sense. Why do you stay up so late talking to me? Why did you kiss me goodnight if I'm nothing to you??

I believe in what you said. I know that it's true. But I see other things too. I see all the things you've done lately that show that you care about me. Maybe you just ignore them or pass them off as nothing. I don't. I see them, and in them I see that you still care about me. Maybe its just me being stubborn. Maybe I'm searching a little too far. Maybe I'm just too far in love with you to see anything else.

Sometimes I don't even know why I'm in love with you. People ask me why I come back after everything you've done to me. Well, its because you're the sweetest, most loving guy I have ever known. You're caring, confident, funny, handsome, smart, talented... Everything I've ever wanted. And the truth is, my truth, is that I'll love you no matter what. I guess I enjoy torturing myself, because I love you to the moon and back, and always will. I'll always be here for you. Maybe in the future things will be different... maybe I'll get a clue and get over you. But right now... I love you more than anything, and that's what hurts the most.

And I want you to get help. Really I do. I tried to help you yesterday, and I know I was of no use. I don't know what the hell to do... but I wanted to help you. You're struggling, you're deteriorating, its slowly killing you. I want you to get better, I'm worried about you. I don't want to see you like this. I want to see you better, the way I fell in love with you.

Ontop of all of this, in the midst of all this chaos, I still like the arrangement we had. I'm here for you whenever you need me. I love the time we spend together. You can always call on me, I'm not gonna stop because of this. I'd like to keep up the arrangement we have... it works for the both of us.

I feel absolutely amazing.
Everything feels right.

I also feel run down and defeated.

It comes in waves.

Taking Bailey for a long walk tonight. Then cleaning my room. Then maybe I'll ask Amy to sleep over. I miss that girl already. If not, I'm gonna watch Benjamin Button. Too bad I'll be watching it alone, I really wanted to watch it with someone.

PFor the past few days, I've been reflecting on my past major relationships, and seem to have found a pattern I'm none too thrilled about. I went through three guys, that pretty much overlapped. Two of them I ended... one never really ended, it just kind of stopped. Anyway.

The first guy... he adored me. We were togther for... 4 months I believe, and the boy was absolutely in love. He was devoted to me, and I was in complete control. I always thought that's what I wanted, but I found out real fast that I didn't. I want someone to be independent, and not need to rely on me. What I didn't realize is that that's how I acted in my most recent relationship, and I just want to kick myself for it. I don't want to be like that, and I won't from now on.

The second guy was totally different. At first he was charming, but that dried up real fast. He was sex craved, controlling, and abusive. I lasted 4 months with him until my knight in shining armor came around. But I went from all control to no control, and I definitely didn't like that. He also adored me though... I went from a puppy dog kind of guy to a loving one. I was okay with that.

Now, my knight. You wouldn't believe this now, but when I first saw him, I thought he was cute, but I wasn't interested at all... then I got to know him. Boy did things change. Id think about him when I was with my boyfriend... it was bad, and I was in the beginnings of love. He and I were together for a little over 5 months. We had a rocky beginning. We were both fighting for control, but we got through it. He won, but I didn't care. I loved, and still love, being with him. He's everything I want- smart, talented, handsome, worldly. He really is my knight. And the relationship felt right. He didn't follow me around like a lost puppy, if anything I did it to him.... sorry buddy. The "love" part of it was just right- not adoring, and not abandoning. To this day I still don't know what happened to it. I wish he would tell me. Regardless, I'll always be here to start again, because it honestly was everything I ever wanted. I don't see why it had to end. There are some times when it feels like it hasn't, and those are the times I look forward to.

All in all, I've figured a lot out recently. More to come on other thoughts. I just really wish that last one wouldn't have ended like that. It really is a shame.

I hurt so bad.
I cried during 7th hour, I cried all the way home, I cried through my shower, and I'm crying now.

I feel like I'm dieing. Clearly I'm not, but it just hurts so bad. I'm scared, I'm lonely...

I really want someone to comfort me. Please. I'm almost begging.

I think I have the beginnings of an upper respiratory infection. And if not, there's some kind of shit in my lungs. It makes playing and singing difficult... I do both on stage tomorrow. Shit.

Today was overall good. Except for some extreme bullshit. But whatever, I'm not gonna let it get to me anymore. Amy made a good point today. She said "Heather, you can be a bitch to anyone, why aren't you doing it now?" Well, I'm not a bitch to people I care about. Don't get me wrong, I've thought about it. But I just can't do it. I'm afraid to. So I don't. I prefer it that way... but I also get hurt when I let people in like that.

Whatever, everything changes day by day anyway. Let's see what tomorrow brings, shall we?

I don't wanna be stuck in this stupid house any more either. I want to be outside- hiking, canoeing, kayaking, getting lost. I don't care! I just want to be out of here and somewhere else. I wish I had friends that like to do those things... and had access to a canoe, lol. I just hate sitting in my house. Even sitting outside of it. It's depressing, almost. I just want to be outside, free. I don't like the feeling of being constricted, and not having anything to do.

It sucks.

I had a really fucking good day today.

I had a really good talk with Amy. She helps me through everything and I love her. I watched a bit of Lil' Abner and was stoked that the line "The day you kiss your druthers goodbye..... is... the same day you kiss your bride hello!" That line always made my day. That cover was amazing, and I always used to give him shit for that. He's really cute in the musical. It makes me smile. I really love the song we're singing for graduation, too. The Prayer of Saint Francis. The alto part is so pretty, I love it. And I was kinda shocked at what people are writing in my year book. They're saying how they don't need to wish me luck, that I'll go far, that I'm a great musician. It's really touching. I'm also really happy that I grew closer to certain people, specifically Zach. I forgot how funny that kid is. And today in math, I was def given help from David. I had no fucking clue what the hell I was doing, and he was crafty enough to program the answers to a few in my calculator and pass it to me. Thanks David, now I won't be failing that test. =] I'm for sure gonna miss the "senior band time". They're all such fun people, I had a great time laughing with them today, and for the past week.

I'm still on a high from today. I got rid of half my wardrobe, and a lot of random things I don't need. It feels good to give that stuff away. I didn't need half of those clothes, and I got rid of them. I'm proud of myself. It feels good to get rid of the clutter, too. I hate clutter. I don't get how I live in that mess of a room.

I'm gonna sleep with my new blanket tonight. I'm excited.

Today was perfect- didn't need anything else, or anything less =)

None of this makes any sense. No, shut up, I know what you're thinking, but it really doesn't make sense. There are inconsistancies. And I'm not sitting here trying to tell you that I don't believe what you say or that I think you're lying, I just think there's more to it.

Wait. You know, I don't think there's anymore to it.
It just doesn't make sense with your actions.

Who knows, maybe I just don't see it. The only thing I know is that I wasn't even upset when you told me anything last night. I'm pretty sure I knew all along. But it didn't hit me as hard as I thought it would. It hardly hit me at all. I was more upset that I didn't have a body to sleep with last night, because that's what I wanted in order to be comfortable. Yeah, I woke up this morning with no motivation to do anything, but I was hardly that upset. That's more suprising to me than you know.

I like the arrangement we have now. I wish we could do some things together, but whatever. Seeing you makes me happier than anything, I don't paticularly care what its for or what mood you're in at the time- its just the fact that you're there that matters.

I really am sorry, and I really don't want you to be angry with me. You know that what happened was farthest from my mind. I wouldn't want that for anyone, especially you.

Even though half of me never wants to see your stupid face again, never wants to deal with your shit, never wants to even talk to you... it'll never happen. I miss you today. Even after you through multiple bricks at me, I miss you.

I need to be comforted.
I need a body to lay with.
I'm trying to find a way to sleep, but I know I won't find one.

I feel really, really bad right now.

I'm sorry.

Babe, I love you.

That's all I need to say now.

I was ready to beat you with that stupid piece of wood today. The only reason I didn't give you a piece of my fuckin mind was because I know the reason why you're being such a little bitch. And because I flippin love you.

Can you do me a favor and talk to someone? You need to. I hate to see you like this.